Debs sent me this..
How much do I want this to be true..
I've edited out the rude bits....I think.
So it's day 9 of this social distancing thing, I think it's day 9, I'm not entirely sure, it could be feking Thursday the 30th of fking never for all I know
What I do know is I didn't put the clock in the lounge forward an hour so I've been living in the past all fkn day. On the flip side of that it was an hour less I had to endure with every fkn bostard in this house.
At the start of this semi lock down him indoors occupied himself with jobs around the house he'd been threatening to do since we moved in 15 months ago so I didn't see much of him, now he's ran out of masonry paint and enthusiasm he's wondering around p1ssing me off.
He's 46, 47 in July, we're meant to be going to amsterdam. The way things are going we'll be lucky to go out in the back garden.
He calls me this morning, I ignore him. I've been shut down with him for over a week and the sound of his fking voice gives me a Forrest Whitaker eye.
I ignore him for as long as I can, which isn't very long considering we're confined to these four fekng walls
Me: WHAT FOR FeCK SAKE??!!!!
Him: I saw on Facebook how to make a face mask from things laying around the house. Look
Me: groans and turns around he's fecking stood there with a pair of his green boxers turned into a balaclava like an obese raphael.
Me:
Him: I can wear this when I go out
Me: go out? You've not been further than the shed for 9 feking days, I'm the one that risks my life going to get the bread. Bone idle feck
Him: do you want it then?
I ignore the pr1k and walk back into the kitchen for something else to fecking eat. I need to try social distancing from the feking cupboards, I swear to god I heard the cupboard say " what the feck do you want now you massive fat twot" when I stuck my head in looking for another time out wafer. Probably a good thing that I can't go anywhere because fek all fits me and I can't bend over without nearly passing out. I'm going to have to walk sideways through my doors if this carries on
Him indoors suggested a weight bench and may be jogging, I suggested he best feck off as I'm sent out for a feking French stick to fill with sausages and bacon for him in the feking dark and I swear I heard the purge alarm.
I come back with a French stick another 4 pints of fecking milk and 6 eggs, eggs are more expensive than gold and my local shop sold me 6 loose ones and didn't give me a bag, I had to put them on the passenger seat and drive slowly as I could all the way home.
I get back and go and tell him indoors I need him to come and get the French stick.
He rolled his eyes
He rolled his feking eyes at me
There was an exchange of foul language and me telling him exactly what he can do with this French fecking stick
The was another barrage of foul language and I smashed him over the head with the French stick
It snapped in half
He picked up the other end and hit me with it
BosTARD
We're out in the dark like an overweight punch and Judy, jousting with bread
I still wasn't speaking to him this morning
I'm just sat on the sofa minding my own business whilst he's in the bath, he's not in there long enough and I can hear him coming back down
I put back on my resting bitch face
He comes bursting onto the lounge
Naked
A piece of what looks like one of my towels tied around his head and starts river dancing on the rug like stavros flatley
I'm glaring at him whilst he's doing the truffle shuffle
He steps on the cat!!
It's feking chaos
He's still on the cat
I heard the air leave it like a deflating balloon
He's stepped back onto a paw patrol pick up truck and a spider man a little
He's falling
He's 22 stone
It's like a felled tree
The cats wrapped around his ankle
Hissing with what breath it has left
Feck me
Feck!! The cat
He's hit the feking deck
The feking whole house shook
It would have measure 6.9 on the Richter scale
I've scooped the cat up and checked it over
He's laid on the rug like a wounded goliath
Him: my arm!! My feking elbow!! You're gonna have to help me up!!
Me: help you up? Are you mad? I'll have to keep you warm til the fire brigade get here. Just get up you wonker. Heave yourself up with your good arm.
Him: I think I've broken my arm
Me: wrap ya pants around your head and go to minor injuries then.
He didn't bother going. Probably come out with something worse than a sprained elbow anyway.
Like a little beacon of hope Gillian messages me to say she's made some cup cakes using a new recipe, chocolate sponge injected with caramel.
My fat chubby mouth is watering at the thought so I tell her I'll be five minutes and to leave them in the porch
I pick up the tray and walk back. I actually take a bite out of one because I'm greedy as fock
I walk up my drive
The wind blows and blows each on onto the feking stones
They're covered in stones, ash and debris
I'm on my knees trying to save them, save one at least
I'm devastated
The feking crows are circling like they know a fat fek has dropped cake
I think about shooing them but remember when my daughter told me about crows that remember when people have been mean to them.
Apparently an experiment was carried out once when a man was mean to a crow and when ever he went out the crowd would chase him to try and peck him and got their mates to join in, one day he wore a mask, they didn't recognise him so left him alone. The day he took his mask off, there they were ready to pounce.
She clearly had too much time on her hands
Fek it. I'm locked down for how ever long and the last thing I want are crows sh1tting all over my clean drying sheets or packing out my feking eyes they can have the feking cake.
I go back into the prison, I mean my house to be greeted by the strongest smell of sh1t and utter carnage
Me: what the fek?!
Them: the toddler told us he needed to poo and because you weren't here for 30 seconds he wouldn't let us put him on the toilet
Me: so what's happened?
Them: points at toddler
His jogging bottoms are like bloomers and every time he walks a turd falls out.
This is my first week of quarantine
I'm a fat fecking wreck
Never give birth to anything