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Uncle Cyril's Timber Yard

7K views 99 replies 11 participants last post by  DAVENN 
#1 ·
For any of us who have piled a few lbs on over the last few weeks, months, years.
 
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#2 ·
I'm in... 😀

Definitely on the more.. ahem.. 'cuddly' side now... :rolleyes:
 
#5 ·
Dave and I probably make up for you two.. so on balance... :D
 
#7 ·
Perish the thought... Brandy.. it's completely different.... :LOL:
 
#11 ·
I lost a few pounds while in Benners, then sitting on my butt I put those pounds back on.

The rest did me good - and my elbow is feeling a lot better - so time to go to the gym. Oh, hang on!


So back at work - get into the gym there. Nope - shut for 10 days as a sort of isolation thing is going on, on the boat, so should anyone have covid19 then it won't spread from the gym.



Guess I'm just going to have to watch what I eat before I can get on the rower and treadmill.
 
#15 · (Edited)
Debs sent me this..

How much do I want this to be true..
I've edited out the rude bits....I think.

So it's day 9 of this social distancing thing, I think it's day 9, I'm not entirely sure, it could be feking Thursday the 30th of fking never for all I know

What I do know is I didn't put the clock in the lounge forward an hour so I've been living in the past all fkn day. On the flip side of that it was an hour less I had to endure with every fkn bostard in this house.

At the start of this semi lock down him indoors occupied himself with jobs around the house he'd been threatening to do since we moved in 15 months ago so I didn't see much of him, now he's ran out of masonry paint and enthusiasm he's wondering around p1ssing me off.

He's 46, 47 in July, we're meant to be going to amsterdam. The way things are going we'll be lucky to go out in the back garden.

He calls me this morning, I ignore him. I've been shut down with him for over a week and the sound of his fking voice gives me a Forrest Whitaker eye.

I ignore him for as long as I can, which isn't very long considering we're confined to these four fekng walls

Me: WHAT FOR FeCK SAKE??!!!!

Him: I saw on Facebook how to make a face mask from things laying around the house. Look

Me: groans and turns around he's fecking stood there with a pair of his green boxers turned into a balaclava like an obese raphael.

Me:

Him: I can wear this when I go out

Me: go out? You've not been further than the shed for 9 feking days, I'm the one that risks my life going to get the bread. Bone idle feck

Him: do you want it then?

I ignore the pr1k and walk back into the kitchen for something else to fecking eat. I need to try social distancing from the feking cupboards, I swear to god I heard the cupboard say " what the feck do you want now you massive fat twot" when I stuck my head in looking for another time out wafer. Probably a good thing that I can't go anywhere because fek all fits me and I can't bend over without nearly passing out. I'm going to have to walk sideways through my doors if this carries on

Him indoors suggested a weight bench and may be jogging, I suggested he best feck off as I'm sent out for a feking French stick to fill with sausages and bacon for him in the feking dark and I swear I heard the purge alarm.

I come back with a French stick another 4 pints of fecking milk and 6 eggs, eggs are more expensive than gold and my local shop sold me 6 loose ones and didn't give me a bag, I had to put them on the passenger seat and drive slowly as I could all the way home.

I get back and go and tell him indoors I need him to come and get the French stick.

He rolled his eyes

He rolled his feking eyes at me

There was an exchange of foul language and me telling him exactly what he can do with this French fecking stick

The was another barrage of foul language and I smashed him over the head with the French stick

It snapped in half

He picked up the other end and hit me with it

BosTARD

We're out in the dark like an overweight punch and Judy, jousting with bread

I still wasn't speaking to him this morning

I'm just sat on the sofa minding my own business whilst he's in the bath, he's not in there long enough and I can hear him coming back down

I put back on my resting bitch face

He comes bursting onto the lounge

Naked

A piece of what looks like one of my towels tied around his head and starts river dancing on the rug like stavros flatley

I'm glaring at him whilst he's doing the truffle shuffle

He steps on the cat!!

It's feking chaos

He's still on the cat

I heard the air leave it like a deflating balloon

He's stepped back onto a paw patrol pick up truck and a spider man a little

He's falling

He's 22 stone

It's like a felled tree

The cats wrapped around his ankle

Hissing with what breath it has left

Feck me

Feck!! The cat

He's hit the feking deck

The feking whole house shook

It would have measure 6.9 on the Richter scale

I've scooped the cat up and checked it over

He's laid on the rug like a wounded goliath

Him: my arm!! My feking elbow!! You're gonna have to help me up!!

Me: help you up? Are you mad? I'll have to keep you warm til the fire brigade get here. Just get up you wonker. Heave yourself up with your good arm.

Him: I think I've broken my arm

Me: wrap ya pants around your head and go to minor injuries then.

He didn't bother going. Probably come out with something worse than a sprained elbow anyway.

Like a little beacon of hope Gillian messages me to say she's made some cup cakes using a new recipe, chocolate sponge injected with caramel.

My fat chubby mouth is watering at the thought so I tell her I'll be five minutes and to leave them in the porch

I pick up the tray and walk back. I actually take a bite out of one because I'm greedy as fock

I walk up my drive

The wind blows and blows each on onto the feking stones

They're covered in stones, ash and debris

I'm on my knees trying to save them, save one at least

I'm devastated

The feking crows are circling like they know a fat fek has dropped cake

I think about shooing them but remember when my daughter told me about crows that remember when people have been mean to them.

Apparently an experiment was carried out once when a man was mean to a crow and when ever he went out the crowd would chase him to try and peck him and got their mates to join in, one day he wore a mask, they didn't recognise him so left him alone. The day he took his mask off, there they were ready to pounce.

She clearly had too much time on her hands

Fek it. I'm locked down for how ever long and the last thing I want are crows sh1tting all over my clean drying sheets or packing out my feking eyes they can have the feking cake.

I go back into the prison, I mean my house to be greeted by the strongest smell of sh1t and utter carnage

Me: what the fek?!

Them: the toddler told us he needed to poo and because you weren't here for 30 seconds he wouldn't let us put him on the toilet

Me: so what's happened?

Them: points at toddler

His jogging bottoms are like bloomers and every time he walks a turd falls out.

This is my first week of quarantine

I'm a fat fecking wreck

Never give birth to anything
 
#17 ·
Going for a walk in Switzerland later , using an app called BITGYM and the treadmil .
a close mate of mine, he is a k.nob...but at 6'5" and 20 stone very few of us would get way with telling him that.. has lost 2 stone over the past month with the help of the app and his exercise bike .
Recommended.
 
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#18 ·
How's Switzerland Dave?
 
#21 ·
it's quite nice thank you sir...
we used to have a factory there ( near Zurich)...so visited umpteen times our current and previous HQ is near Geneva and I once spent an afternoon in field hospital after , err, "falling ill" whilst over reaching myself whilst ski ing on a sales meeting ..

.

the app is very good but would benefit with being viewed on a big screen.

USB C to HDMI lead being delivered tomorrow.
 
#20 ·
:rolleyes:




But I did chuckle.. as did Mrs. PeteA.. :D
 
#23 ·
Sensible treadmill then....
 
#34 ·
Surprising how many people with chainsaws think that a tree that leans to the left will fall to the right..., [emoji23]

Videos like this should be compulsory viewing in Chainsaw School [emoji6]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#35 ·
now on the SIXTH day of being on the wagon.
I could murder a pint right now...
Expect to be being dragged down to my new HQ in 3 weeks.. after that lot have completed their second batch of PAID furlough, so need to get into my suits
Also cut my carb intake to under 4g a day.
it would have zero but the cheddar has a touch in it .
Started this on Weds and dropped a kilo...but not dehydration as I'm on 4 litres of fizzy water a day.
 
#36 ·
oof....not sure whether to laugh or cry.
felt rough for a bit.
Now I know why...
still, its heading back to normal.
The 2pm spike was when I went out in the velar. it shows how stressful even relaxed driving can be.
The evening spikes are after two weights sessions, showing that -even with moderately high blood glugose- my liver decides that I need more.
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#37 ·
Day 3 of my 800 kcal ( a day not meal) diet ...yesterday was sub 600kcal.
The stone gained since the wedding will be shed within 6 weeks , hopefully it'll be nearer 20lb.
BG has jumped and I noticed a few diabetic symptoms...raging thirst, having to get up in the night for a pee .

Both of these have gone ( I just lie there now) so it is working already.
 
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#38 ·
BG has jumped and I noticed a few diabetic symptoms...raging thirst, having to get up in the night for a pee .
That's just old age Dave... ;)

To be fair, since they sewed the hole in my bladder up two years ago, I've not needed to get up during the night. It seems to hold much more!

However, the weight I lost has crept back again, so I could do with dropping a stone or so.
I don't drink - crisps, chocolate and cakes are my downfall and that's a hard habit to break.... but I need to to help what's left of my bowel and do my blood sugar levels a favour.
Bloody difficult to drink a cup of tea without something to munch on as well :rolleyes:
 
#40 ·
The big op that I had t the start of 2019 was to remove a chunk of bowel that had merged with my bladder, which was leaking into it. Removing the bowel left a hole in the bladder that they stiched up. Thankfully they got the right end 😂

All doing rightly 2 years on.

Tend to do a bowl of Alpen or similar in the morning along with a bit of brown wholemeal toast, which is meant to be good for the bowel, then I lapse into crap until dinner (tea) and don't do much better later.

I'm, sitting on my backside most days WFH and don't do much exercise, so that's the plan now, try and cut out eats between meals and do something physical a few times a week which is more cardio than just outdoor DIY....
 
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#41 ·
The big op that I had t the start of 2019 was to remove a chunk of bowel that had merged with my bladder, which was leaking into it. Removing the bowel left a hole in the bladder that they stiched up. Thankfully they got the right end 😂

All doing rightly 2 years on.

Tend to do a bowl of Alpen or similar in the morning along with a bit of brown wholemeal toast, which is meant to be good for the bowel, then I lapse into crap until dinner (tea) and don't do much better later.

I'm, sitting on my backside most days WFH and don't do much exercise, so that's the plan now, try and cut out eats between meals and do something physical a few times a week which is more cardio than just outdoor DIY....
whooah.
that's serious re-plumbung.

I suppose you may have been advised to have plenty of fibre to keep everything moving nicely .
The thing I've found is the more carb I have the more I want , I understand that I'm not alone here.
All bran , although it is carb, is one that I can and do have...as the fibre isn't digested of course.
Only problem is that it just HAS to have sugar with it..

I wouldn't cut out the eats between meals per se, just what you eat...certainly from the off unless you're strong willed.
Apples ( unless fermented into a thirst quenching beverage) are great, albeit boring..

WFH ,for all it's benefits , does seem to have had a detrimental effect on the nation's waistlines.
 
#42 ·
I'm the least strong willed person in the house ubfortunately. I find apples just make me hungry and want to eat more.... figure that one out!
Will have Mrs S look into snacking alternatives when she's doing the next online shop :)
 
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#44 ·
we all have our own triggers .
Apples are carbs (pls see above).
certain beers will make me ( no...i make myself) crave chocolate., but only in the house.
not unlike the craving for a kebab or curry when out on the lash.
I know of no one who craves a Chinese or Italian after a skinfull.
 
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