Todays joke!!!!!
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  1. #1
    Saintly Member alfie's Avatar
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    Todays joke!!!!!

    I think it was disgusting how everyone treated Lance Armstrong especially what he achieved winning the Tour de France 7 times whilst on drugs.

    When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my f*#kin bike

    Alfie


    Nerves of steel... Heart of Gold... Knob of Butter

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  3. #2
    Senior member Rigger's Avatar
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    LMAO!!!!! Now that's a good one!
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  4. #3
    Senior member Gav's Avatar
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    nice one Alfie
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  5. #4
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    Lol....

  6. #5
    Saintly Member alfie's Avatar
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    Thanks Lads,

    And the last one of the night:

    Teacher asks class to put the word contagious in a sentence.
    Ron says "The measles are contagious".

    Katie says "There is a bug going round and it's contagious"
    Little Johnny says "My neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush and Dad says it will take the cuntagious !!"

    Alfie

    Old ones are always the best eh


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  7. #6
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    They just get better Alfie

  8. #7
    Saintly Member alfie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by k44ent View Post
    They just get better Alfie
    Thanks k44ent,
    well just one more..........

    Three blokes stayed at a skiing lodge, but there was only one room with one bed so they shared it.

    During the night the guy on the left wakes up saying he had a dream where he got a hand job.

    Strangely the guy on the right says that he also had a dream where he got a hand job.

    The bloke in the middle says he dreamt he was skiing.

    Alfie


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  9. #8
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  10. #9
    Prodigious Member Swindon Andy's Avatar
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    Mad Dave the biker went to see his mate Kev in the pharmacy.
    Give me some Viagra, Kev, I've got two hot chicks coming round tonight!
    Kev told Dave - only take one, they're pretty strong
    Dave laughed and took a load.

    Next day Dave staggered into the pharmacy, white as a sheet. He got his thing out to show Kevin, bloody and skin all ripped.
    "Give me a can of Deep Heat, Kev"
    "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"

    "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up!"
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  11. #10
    Saintly Member alfie's Avatar
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    Nice one Andy.

    Alfie


    Nerves of steel... Heart of Gold... Knob of Butter

  12. #11
    Founder member Dave's Avatar
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  13. #12
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    Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said 'One bus takes 35 cars off the road' personally i think it depends how aggressive the driver is!






    Must get back to work, have a state funeral to pay for!!
    Last edited by dervnut; 10th April 2013 at 11:45.
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  14. #13
    "Oh God," I moaned. "I think I'm going to
    explode any second!"
    "On my tits!" she whispered. "Do it on my
    tits!"
    "Really? You sure?"
    "Yes! Quickly! For me!"
    "Oh ok then........it's cominnnnng......."

    Anyway, the moral of the story is - if you've
    got diarrhoea, it's best to be specific.


    Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
    "Window's frozen."
    Husband texts back:
    "Pour some Lukewarm, not hot, water over it"
    After a period of time and no response the husband decides to get on with some serious work
    BUT within seconds Wife texts back:
    "Computer completely buggered now"

    The wife came home to find me in the kitchen cooking a lovely dinner, candles lit on the table and place settings for two
    "Oh this is a surprise" she said.
    "Too bloody right it is," I replied "I didn't expect you back till Monday

    This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy-bitsy
    shooter by a woman against a fierce predator:

    What is the smallest calibre you trust to protect yourself?
    The Beretta Jet-fire
    While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by
    a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere.
    She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely
    aggressive.
    If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here
    today!
    Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got
    him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace, It's one of the best pistols in my collection……...

    "Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked my wife.
    "No," I said. She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
    "Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
    "No," I said. She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
    "Now," she said, "have you ever seen 20,000 pounds all crumpled up?"
    "No," I said, intrigued, “would you like to?” she asked, yes I replied eagerly, she lent over an whispered in my ear "Well, go outside and take a quick look at your car in the garage in the garage."


    Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
    A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing
    Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this
    Flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
    The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few
    Bolts and laid the flagpole down.
    She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and
    Announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
    Then, she walked off.
    Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!
    We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length !!!


    Husband to wife - I have just done the largest most magnificent **** you have ever seen. I beg you, go in to the bathroom and have a look. It is huge.
    Wife to husband - Ewww, no way.
    Husband to wife - Seriously you have to. It is over 2 kilos, it must be a record breaker.
    (Wife pinches her nose and runs in and then out of the bathroom)
    Wife to husband - You must have flushed it, there's nothing in the toilet.
    Husband to wife - No, not the toilet. It's on the scales.
    the truth shall set you free

  15. #14
    Senior member Rigger's Avatar
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    Very very good.

    A young woman trying her hand as a T.V. reporter is told to go to the local US Marine base, and cover a story of how the marines were training young boys how to shoot rifles.

    She sees an angle here, and finally gets the attention of a big old burly Gunnery Sgt.

    So looking back to the camera, and winking, trying to get her scoop she says - So Gunny, the kids are off the streets. I can't help but wonder though, is this not dangerous? Teaching boys this young to fire rifles?

    Not at all Maam - says Gunny, dead serious. - This is a controlled environment where everything is watched over.

    She tries again - but surely it's dangerous to teach young men how to shoot these weapons.

    Gunny is non-plussed - Not at all Maam, again, we have plenty of instructors, and the kids know we mean business if they try to muck around.

    Young reporter gives it her last shot - But surely all you are doing here is equipping young men to become tomorrows killers and murderers!

    Gunny gives a tight smile, and says - Maam, all due respect, you are equipped with t*ts and an a**, but that don't make you a whore - does it?

    Got to love the way US Marine Corp gets to the point.
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  16. #15
    Saintly Member alfie's Avatar
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    This is getting to be a good thread come on all lets keep it going

    Alfie


    Nerves of steel... Heart of Gold... Knob of Butter

  17. #16
    Rampant Member Dunc's Avatar
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    Micks wife was furiously humping away with her husbands Best mate! Suddenly the phone rang and she hopped out of bed Returning after a brief conversation, Who was that asked her lover, it was only mick, **** he says I'd better get going, did he say where he was? Relax he says he's down the pub having a few games of pool with you.
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  18. #17
    Detailing Guru James's Avatar
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    Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”
    The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”

    James
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  19. #18
    Detailing Guru James's Avatar
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    One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
    Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
    When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
    Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.";
    Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
    Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
    Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
    The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
    "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't **** with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

    James
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  20. #19
    Detailing Guru James's Avatar
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    A boy comes home one day and runs up to his mom.
    "What's a bitch and a pu*sy?"
    "Well," Mom says, "a bitch is a female dog and a ***** is a cat." The boy thinks to himself that this doesn't sound right since the other kids were calling each other that. So he goes to Dad.
    "What's a bitch and apu*sy ?" Dad pulls out his Playboy and opens it to the centerfold. He draws a circle around the woman's.pu*sy .
    "Now that's a pu*sy, son! And everything else is the bitch!"


    A boy goes to the chemist with his dad and sees the condom display.
    Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
    Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
    Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
    Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
    Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
    Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."


    James
    Last edited by James; 10th April 2013 at 19:54.
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  21. #20
    Rampant Member TibbyWoo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dunc View Post
    Micks wife was furiously humping away with her husbands Best mate! Suddenly the phone rang and she hopped out of bed Returning after a brief conversation, Who was that asked her lover, it was only mick, **** he says I'd better get going, did he say where he was? Relax he says he's down the pub having a few games of pool with you.
    That took me a moment but then I nearly lost my mouthful of wine.
    MY13 XF SE Business. Polaris with barley interior. Parking camera, heated seats / screen, Meridian 380w hifi


 
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